Once upon a time, some funny and imaginative horror fan set out to write down the general rules for surviving a horror movie and post them on the internet. Time passed, and soon everybody and their brother was writing their own lists; most of them sucked. Though that original author's name has been lost, this is the SU contribution to the scattering of tribute sites out there, along with our own little additions and editing. Enjoy!

Let's say you're walking along the street at night, minding your own business. Suddenly, out of nowhere, it gets dark. The full moon passes behind a dark cloud. A wolf howls.  You hear heavy breathing behind you and footsteps of some invisible being echoing your own along the now deserted street. Uh-oh! Looks like you just walked into a horror movie. But not to worry. You can get out - alive! All you have to do is abide by these simple rules... and grab a pen and paper here folks, cos there's a lot more to it than those little footnotes they give you in Scream.

 The monster is not dead. No matter how many times you shoot / stab / hack / blow it up, even if it has turned into a puddle of slime or a pile of dust and bones, it is probably not dead. Never let your guard down. 

 When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It's not. You've only stunned it. Now is the time to haul ass to safety. 

 If you find that your house was built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or killed their families or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

 Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 

 Do not search the basement or attic, especially if the power has just gone out. 

 If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

 Never pair off or go it alone. There is safety in numbers.

 As a general rule, don't read books or solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

 Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

 If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find it seems it was just the cat, it's not. Leave the room immediately if you value your life.

 If appliances start operating by themselves, it is not a faulty switch or haywire fuse. Move out immediately.

 Never under any circumstances take anything from the dead.

 If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

 Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

 Never buy or wear jewelry that is said to be cursed, no matter how big that diamond is. It will only lead to trouble.

 Wishes are not good things. No matter how sweet the deal sounds, there is always a catch, and it is never a good thing. 

 If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. You will probably twist your ankle, so get used to the pain and keep moving. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

 If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

 Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Camp Crystal Lake, small towns surrounded by corn fields, English manor houses, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

 If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Likewise, if your car has broken down and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion / castle on the hill, stay in the car.

 Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions. 

 Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

 Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

 If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

 Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in a wooden block on the counter.

 Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members; the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films, the more likely that cast memeber to survive.  Therefore stay with them.

 The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.

 The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.

 The guy that is always making jokes is often dead meat, too.

 The shy, quiet and/or strange girl is always either the heroine or the killer. Either way, its best to stay on her good side.

 When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, turn the damn lights on! Flashlights are the kiss of death, and the batteries will ALWAYS die anyway. 

 Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

 Involvement of the FBI, CIA or any type of policing agency always leads to trouble. Either they'll think you're crazy, or they've been in on it the whole time. 

 If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitchhikers in the van with you. It'll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.

 Never babysit. There are more than enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out already.

 If you are stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom's nightgown collection. You'll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death

 If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll pop through and kill you, or you'll activate a secret door that will land you right in his lair.

 Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll probably be dead by the end of the summer.

 Never say ?I'll be right back.?  You won't be back. End of story.

 Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.

 Just generally avoid Maine altogether.

 Talking to voices from the sewer or your bathroom sink drain is always a bad idea. 

 Believe the freaky little child who sees the monsters first. They usually have a better idea of what's going on than anybody else. 

 If you ever visit a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

 Then when one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship.

 When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

 If someone tells you to do or NOT do something (ex: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) then by all means, listen to them!!

 A small-town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, ?Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even HAVE the barbecue without you!? ....run like hell.

 If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone. 

 Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

 Clowns are hiding something behind all that greasepaint; they don't dress that way just to amuse children. Never turn your back on them - they WILL kill you if given the chance.

 NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.

 Avoid people with pointy teeth.

 Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

 Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway. 

 If the barber remarks on the ?666? tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

 If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

 Never buy your kids a toy that talks back.

 Remember, Just Say No To Human Blood.

 Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

 Never go camping on a Friday the 13th. Or go to a sleep-away camp. Or go into the woods to make a student film. Or take a shortcut through the woods. Generally speaking, avoid forestry altogether.

 Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.

 If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

 If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night, just take him to the hospital. Trying to cover up what you've done will only make it worse in the long run - especially if he isn't REALLY dead, which he usually isn't.

 Never EVER play with any Ouija board, Isis board, Spirit board or Planchette. These are not fun toys, in spite of what Parker Brother's might say. 

 Never say the same word or phrase (ie: Candyman, Blood Mary, Mary Worth) five times in a mirror.

 Never talk to strangers.

 If you hear or see breaking news on the radio or television about an escaped criminal / psychopath, it is time to lock the doors and bring out the shotgun. No matter how far away he is, he's coming for YOU. 

 Avoiding graveyards and cemetaries [even the pet variety] is a given, but if you HAVE to go in, for the love of god, don't do it after dark.

 If running from the killer/monster, don't even bother trying the car. Even the doors are unlocked and you miraculously still have the keys with you, it's just a waste of time. It does not matter if the car is brand new - it won't start.

 If running from the killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible - especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide better, and anyone you alert to your aid will be disembowled right in front of you.

 Never put your hand down the garbage disposal. It's just baiting the house to try and eat you.

 Museums with old relics or waxwork figurines are not safe places to hide.

 Pick your friends carefully. Even if that Satan worshipping neighbor seems nice, he or she will be looking to you to give birth to the Anti-Christ.

 If someone tells you that your child is Satan / the Anti-Christ / posessed, just kill the kid and get it over with. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. 

 Never answer the phone when you are baby sitting. If you do mistakenly answer the phone and some strange stalker type is on the line, he's IN THE HOUSE. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead - they're dead weight.

 The top three things that equal death are: alcohol, drugs and sex. That includes strip poker.

 If you think you see your significant other, and they are wearing a mask, not talking, talking in a strange voice or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not them.

 Don't ever be mean to the new kid. They will kill you in the end.

 If you ever hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh, lets say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.

 Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed neat an abandoned farm house. 

 When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot 'em in the brain. If they still want your brain after that, let 'em have it, there is no hope for you.

 Never wait until you need that gun to check and see if it's loaded.

 If you have to stay out in the woods or at a camp, you're doomed. But at least you'll have a fighting chance in a cabin. Never EVER take the tent.

 Never try to unmask the killer.

 Never hide in a closet.

 Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.

 Never say ?Who's there??.

 When in a horror film, if you should find that your hand has been possessed by the Force of Evil, do not under ANY circumstances, chop off your hand. Doing so will merely embue the disembodied hand with the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body, and you will have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down.

 If you have that feeling that you'll somehow end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear some comfortable running shoes.

 After babysitting, don't walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.

 If you're a girl with long blonde hair and big boobs, you're pretty much screwed. Poetic justice, hon. Live with it.

 ALWAYS check the backseat of your car before you get in.

 When running away from a killer/monster/maniac etc... NEVER run upstairs.

 If you see someone who is within screaming distance, and you are running from a killer, just leave them alone. Your calling for help will only get them killed.

 If a giant shark is chasing your family, don't go swimming, sailing or even wading. Just stay away from the water, period.

 If you're babysitting, don't play with the kids dolls.

 High schools, high school parties, fraternities and sororities, any type of teenage club and reunions are death traps, avoid them at all times. Also, do not accept invitations to parties at reputedly haunted houses, old funeral homes or deserted island summer homes. 

 If a member of your party who has been constantly voicing his or her fears disappears for a while, only to return much calmer and even cheerful, kill them immediately. They have now joined the other team. 

 If your car breaks down and you ignore the rules about staying put and the only place to seek help turns out to be at the desolate home of an elderly couple who make porcelain dolls, go back to the car, roll up the windows and lock the doors. They will be coming for you shortly.

 Dolls are not toys, they are vessels for demonic possession. The same can be said for puppets, marionettes and tribal figurines. 

 Statues are evil, even the religious ones. Don't turn your back on them.

 Generally speaking, English people are always either bad guys or chainsaw fodder. Steer clear of them.

 If you go to your school library and you see that there are more books on Demonology than American History, move away.

 If the killer is standing three yards in front of you, don't stand there and scream at him while he running towards you. It may come as a shock, but he does in fact want to kill you.

 A female should never EVER wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping a monster or madman. It will only increase your chances of falling and cause a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.

 If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.

 If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don't take a job as a phone counselor.

 Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.

 Stay away from sewers.

 If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.

 If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.

 After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.

 If you buried your child in a strange place and he comes back, just kill yourself and save the kid the trouble.

 If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don't stay and investigate. Run like hell.

 Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.

 Don't make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods.

 Leprechauns are not friendly. Do not try and take their gold.

 Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they've been in a coma for ten years, they'll wake up.

 If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are only three possible outcomes of involving the police and none are good:
     A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.
     B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.
     C. The cop will think you're crazy or joking and get killed while threatening to take you in.

 If the locals say the it's haunted, it probably is.

 If people in your neighborhood have been disapearing and there's talk about a surge of any type of insect... move. Stuborn home owners always die.

 Kill the Scientist.  No matter what else you do, kill him off right away.  They always want to study "it," or take "it" back to the corporate masters, or learn from "it" at the expense of comrades lives. Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone killed doing it.  Get a clue! Kill the guy with the pocket protector, he's going to sacrifice you anyway.

 If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down, don't get up and run for help. He will stay down much longer after you shoot him a couple times.

 If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you're pretty much screwed.

 If the killer/monster is dead, don't dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life and try to kill you. His will not be grateful to you for bringing him back.

 If you disobey the previous rule, don't try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.

 Cheerleaders usually die; the same can be said for flag corps, pep squads, and any other exclusive clique of teenage girls.

 Librarians or town historians can usually help you kill the monster, but they will die before they can finish telling you how. You'll have to solve the rest on your own.

 If some sort of plague has wiped out a large portion of the population and you manage to survive, you are NOT home free. There will be either zombies or Satan to deal with.

 If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

Ok, so now let's say you're walking along the street at night in your small, out of the way town, minding your own business, and you once again step into that dark-as-pitch, strange-and-creepy-noises-all-around scenario. You make it home safely, only to find it happening repeatedly the next night, the night after, and so on. You're not in a horror movie this time; you're in a horror-themed weekly drama. The rules for surviving this change a little from the horror movie rules. The following is a listing of rules to help you both survive and suffer as little damage to your body and mind as possible.

 The cops and/or town government are ALWAYS in on it. Do not trust them.

 Find the person the strange phenomena centers around. They are usually the key to staying alive.

 If there's a group of people who seem to have an idea of what's happening, stick with them, no matter how geeky or unpopular they may seem. They are the main characters, and befriending them will usually keep you alive longer than others.

 If your school library has an extensive collection of books on hand to hand combat, witchcraft and demonology, by all means start studying. It will help you in the long run.

 "Hanger-on" characters always die; its an easy way of killing someone of importance without taking out a main cast member. If you are a short-term boy/girlfriend or a background member of the popular clique, you're as good as dead.

 Never try to use the evil in your town to your advantage. You'll just get yourself killed.

 It's never a coincidence that there is a high mortality / runaway rate among the young people in your area. Watch your back!

 Be friendly with the new girl, even if the rumor is that she burned down the gym at her old high school.

 School projects are always a bad idea, no matter how harmless they may seem - especially if they involve eggs of any kind [i.e., treat this egg as a child for a week, build giant models of insect eggs].

 Generally speaking, when scary things get scared - not good.

 NEVER have sex; it will only turn one of the parties into a demonic killer.

 Beware cheerleaders, particularly if one spontaneously combusts during tryouts.

 Beware door-to-door salesmen, even if they promise you free samples.

 Be especially careful during end-of-season apocalypses; main characters can die during these occasions.

 Never buy the official explanation; it was NOT gangs on PCP that crashed the school Parent-Teacher Night, it was not a plumbing issue that infested the school with snakes, and the principal getting mauled to death in his office was NOT a freak accident.

 Field trips can be dangerous, even to places as simple as the zoo or a museum. Beware exhibits that are closed; there is a probably a damn good reason they're shut, so stay away if you value your life.

 Foreign exchange students cannot be trusted.

 Substitute teachers who arrive to take the place of someone who has mysteriously disappeared are probably evil.

 Yes, the puppet is alive, but there's a good chance he's a good guy, so don't go chopping him into bits until you know the whole story.

 Try not to harbor secret crushes; there will usually be some magical event that brings them to light, with negative consequences.